Even though I knew this was coming, I wasn’t prepared. Can you ever really prepare yourself for losing a parent? Or anyone for that matter. You’re never quite ready for the waves that come with grief. The sadness, the denial, the anger, the acceptance.
Deep down, everyone wants to believe they are tough, myself included. But I am human & pain like this makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. My mother always said “death is a part of life” & it’s the part I hate. Yes, I know she is not in pain anymore from the cancer and that she is home, but I’m selfish and want her here with me. It hurts so bad to think we will never go dance at The Comet Grill (Tommy, she LOVED you) or have oysters at Belle Acres Golf & Country Club (Bud, I cant love you enough) or walk down the beach at Holden. We hung out like friends, not just because she was my Mom. She was cool AF; most of my friends knew her pretty well and can probably tell you stories about her. She was the cool Mom. “I saw your Mom the other night out at blah blah blah; do y’all wear the same perfume? She smells just like you”. (Yes we often do wear the same perfume) We were so close and so much alike; my best friend. We looked alike; she had greener eyes than mine. People would say “you look (and sound) just like your Momma. I was looking for a picture to post and honestly, I love them all. There’s a funny story behind each one, of course. I made her wet her pants more than a few times laughing hysterically. We always had so much fun together. I could writer a book on our blonde moments. These past few days I have had to remind myself to breathe, and even that hurts. She fought for 5 long years. The last 2 were the hardest. The good days, the bad days. And then the really bad days. I think the letting go is the easy part, it's the moving on that's painful. I fight it, trying to keep things the same. Listening to her voicemails. Sleeping the hurt away. She was always still trying to parent me “be sure to get a good nights sleep; do you need me to call you so you don’t oversleep?” No mom, I’m a big girl.... I just want you all to know that I see your messages & I can’t thank you all enough. But for now, I just need to grieve in my own way. Alone. I know I’ll survive. I’ll have a new “normal”. A new normal that I’ll hate, but I’ll adjust. 2013 was the worst year of my life so far. I buried 6 friends. I never thought I would survive that. But I did. And it made me appreciate life so much more. My friends held me together. (Thank God for them!) My friend Allison Hudson wrote a story for me during that terrible time when I asked her how long does the grieving last? The pain in my chest; that tightness that comes with a constant lump in your throat and big crocodile tears....when will that go away? Allison is a beautiful writer and her blog has always stuck with me, especially this Meredith Grey quote that she included. “Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.” ~ Grey's Anatomy If you’d like to read entire the blog, the link is below. I love you all. I’ll bounce back soon. Promise. http://www.itsalushlife.com/blog/2014/2/28/my-friend-grief-she-is-such-a-beautiful-bitch Mom, I know you’re reading this & I love you. ♥️